I don’t know if you remember the week leading to our breakup. We talked like we had never talked before, we discussed the future. Ohh how happy I was at that certain moment. My insecurities were forgotten, YOU had made them seem all silly. You had made light of my fears and I too had started thinking of them as irrelevant. That was a week, which even now I think I was most happy for I had no fear.
THEN you talked of the past, bringing up family secrets. My family secrets. Secrets that I didn’t know about. You talked of things that I had never known. I remember begging you to tell me where you got them but never once did you tell me. I was so angry, in my anger I chased you away. My insecurities came back ten folds, so I pushed you away. And you didn’t prove me wrong when I pushed you away, when I sent you away. And AWAY you went, leaving me in my anger and confusion.
After a while the anger drained, my mama soothed and kissed the confusion away and at that moment realization struck me so hard. Because even though you were not there I still loved you. But pride told me to move on so I tried. Little did I know the impact you would have on my life while I loved you.
While I loved you, no other could measure up. They all seemed to fall short. I spent so much time not seeing them for who they were but for what made them not you.
For while I loved you I was blind to all others, ohh they did try but my insecurities and the force field that I put up was too much for them. Unlike you, I did not have to send them away, they left on their own accord.
While I loved you I was so focused on you, on making sure that you loved me even from afar. I was so focused that I forgot that you were no longer mine. Now that I think about it, while I loved you ” all common sense deserted me.
But then He came, while I loved you. He was there in and out. He first tried breaking the wall I kept around me, and of course I pushed and pushed and pushed, but he never went too far. He surrounded my thoughts, he became my routine. Then one day the walls came tumbling down and there I was bared to him, all my insecurities and fears for him to see.
Unlike when I loved you, he did not chase them away for me. He taught me to face them on my own, so we can be strong together.
While I loved you, I made myself weak by thinking you were it for me but he made me realize that its ok to love someone and let them go, that there is nothing wrong with losing love sometimes.
I have loved you for a long time and I have learnt to let go.